OMGoodness, a friend in the UK sent me this article posted on I could not stop reading. A black woman seeking advice wrote in to Abiola Abrams’ Intimacy Intervention column. Seems the writer’s wonderful, white husband likes to use racial slurs during sex. “Oh baby, nigger bitch, oh baby.” Come again? What the what???  I liked Abrams’ answer to the sad advice seeker and if she were real, I would hope she took the advice. I felt little sympathy for this sister as she did not know how to vet. Any woman who would put up with such from any man has some esteem and other issues. I don’t want to go a rant but, why anyone would allow and actually like this kind of behavior, treatment or talk is beyond me. That is the excuse the carefully crafted, deep seated racist author gave the writer   Where is the self respect? I when I read this post, I couldn’t help but picture Django Chained.

We know that some online magazines take shots at swirling sisters and their various swirling husbands and relationships and this could be yet another attempt to lump all white men into the fetish basket and go so far as to say he’ll marry you but….I don’t know if it was an intentional plant and I am a little suspicious of this letter, but just the same it rings the alarm of a major Damaged Beyond Repair White Man Alert!

Dear Abiola,

My man keeps calling me a “nigger bitch” during sex and I hate it.

I have been married for a year and I am at my wit’s end. My investment banker husband is from a White old money family. I am a first generation Black-American woman whose family is from the island of Jamaica. We met at a reunion for the ivy league school we both attended, and he proposed in six months.

We have the picture perfect fantasy life. He wines and dines me and we travel and shop the globe. Unlike all of the Black men I dated in the past, my husband is generous, loyal, committed and considerate. He courted me and I never have to pay for anything. He said I could quit my job and I did. He makes me feel like a woman.

I am a little embarrassed to share our problem. The first time he let the n-word drop was during sex on our honeymoon. When I reacted negatively, he explained that a Black woman he dated in the past enjoyed being called racial slurs. Another time he joked that he had purchased my freedom. He also speculated about whether his family could have owned mine because I have “good hair.” Then he made jokes about my pubic hair. He called it my “negro bush” and referred to himself as a “nigger lover.” He says I am being overly sensitive because he loves me to death and should get a “Black pass” for marrying me.

I told him that I don’t appreciate these comments and he says that my friends and family probably use the n-word all the time. He also asked why Black people can use the word and he cannot. I don’t use the word or believe in the nigga/nigger differentiation. Neither does my family. I am too embarrassed to tell anyone about this because I know they might say: “That’s what she gets for marrying a White man.”

Every time we try having sex again, the slurs fly. Our sex life is pretty much over right now because I pretend to be asleep every time my sexy, handsome man wants to be with me. I feel completely turned off. I love my husband deeply so please don’t tell me to leave him because that’s not what I want to do.

My husband was my first interracial relationship. Please tell me racial slurs aren’t normal between interracial couples? I would like to figure this out before we have kids but I can’t afford to leave him and still maintain my lifestyle.

How can I regain my sexual attraction for my husband?


Black and Proud

Read Abiola Abrams’ response.  What do you think?