Listen up ladies. Lots of you are seeking love (or know someone who is) and I say love is where you find it. On the journey to finding true love, we may sometimes find ourselves with men (and boys for you younger/teen readers) who are blatant abusers. I say blatant because an abuser will show you who he really is from the very start. It is up to YOU to recognize the signs and take action.

This means immediately tell him where to go and how to get there. BE CLEAR and let him know that you are not interested and you see the signs! Cut off all contact and most men will get the message and leave you alone. Again this must be done at the first sign. You must not let your loneliness for a mate cloud your better judgment and ignore your inner voice telling you this guy is just not right. Listen and take action. The longer you stay, the easier it is for an abuser to work his subtle, psychological magic and the next thing you know, its 10 years and you are stuck wondering how you got there. From the business executive to the high school student, none of us is immune because we can let our guards down. But……..
You have the power to avoid it altogether my taking action at the first red flag. Recognize it, call it out and take action to avoid a possible lifetime of abuse, creating a second or third generation by subjecting your children to the madness and possible death.

You don’t have to sacrifice true happiness just to have a man. If he is an abuser, you will not be happy. In addition, it is NOT FAIR to subject your children to abuse just because you need a man. Don’t think they don’t pick up on these signs as well. In these instances, they can sometimes be stronger than you. For their sakes, don’t bring an abuser into your life or home. If you are already in an abusive relationship, I strongly suggest you get the help you need to get away FOR GOOD and go underground if you need to survive and live!

For help, contact:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233) 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence  Check out the Protect Yourself links!

If what I just said was not enough, please review these signs (thanks to Dear Abby) and know that these are tried and true. PAY ATTENTION, PAY ATTENTION, PAY ATTENTION AND TAKE ACTION!!!!! domestic-violence
An abuser is someone who……………….
1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” An abuser presses for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUS: excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone”; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you’re late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble.” The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It’s always someone else’s fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, “You make me angry,” or “You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you.”

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) PLAYFUL” — — USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL AB– — USE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person “made” him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, “I’ll break your neck,” or “I’ll kill you,” then dismisses them with “Everybody talks that way,” or “I didn’t really mean it.”

Check out this terrific video “Mahoghany Blues” by Tymeka Coney in which a beautiful African American woman faces a life of hurt and pain. Suddenly, her best friend is fatally killed by her boyfriend. With the small amount of hope that she has left, she and her remaining friends form a singing group Mahoghany to rid them of their blues.


Read the book Chain, Chain, Change: For Black Women in Abusive Relationships (New Leaf Series)  by Evelyn C. White

Para aquellos de ustedes que hablan español, leen Mejor Sola Que Mal Acompañada y ¡No Más!: Guía Para La Mujer Golpeada por Myrna Zambrano