DBRs Are All The Same
White DBRs Are In Great Supply
Black women who advocate for other black women to expand their dating pools to include all races are often accused of bashing black men; as some are quick to apply the DBR (damaged beyond repair) label to them. No one claims that all black men are dbrs. That would be unfair as there are some great black men out there. On the other hand, if the shoe fits……
Having said that, dbrism is in no way limited to black men. White men, white women, black women and others can also be dbrs. For now, I would like to focus on white male dbrs. There are certain white men who should be off-limits and avoided at all costs. Some of these would include users, cheaters, liars, losers and your run of the mill bad guys. If you don’t accept this behavior from black men, you should not accept it from white (or any race) men. You should never ever be with a man just because he is white. He still has to win your heart. Some white men do have fetishes and would never be serious about marriage. Some of the worst dbr white men are closet racists who may actually love one black woman but considers her as an exception. “You’re not like the rest of your race.” he may explain. During the vetting process, women should be able to recognize this lame game and when she does, she should run the other way.
Please Validate My Prejudice
By now many of you may have seen the letter to Slate.com’s Dear Prudence column making its way around the Internet and Facebook. The letter is from a white man married to an infertile Asian woman. They have an option to have children using donor eggs. But now that this man has had time to consider their options of choosing the donor, he candidly states his desire to have white children.
Right off the bat, I thought, “If you want white children, then marry a white woman.” But this is much more profound than mentally outing this closet racist. He is admitting his racism by the suggestion that he wants white children alone. Who knows what other dark thoughts lurk in his mind about Asians or other minorities? This man leads me to believe that his wife may be mail order though not necessarily. Many times men who go the mail order route cannot get an American white woman but that is my unproven theory and is neither here nor there. But in this day and time, I hope that women of Asian descent would tell a like this man where to go and how to get there. Is he even considering her feelings knowing that her children would be biracial had she not been infertile? Why would a man married to a woman of another race foolishly burden her to carry the donor egg of a white woman? I wonder if he does not like Asians and think his wife is an exception to her race. I wonder if he would hate his biracial children, lamenting the fact that they are not pure white each time he looks at them. I suppose there is a possibility that the wife would be fine having white children as some biracial children turn out looking full white but I don’t think so in this case. Why would this man seek the opinion of a disinterested party before talking to his wife? And just an aside note, I felt some of Prudence’ responses were unnecessary and disrespectful to say the least assuming this man was GOP as if most Republicans felt this way. It totally disregards the many interracial couples in the GOP who have biracial children and are happy; and dismisses the reality that Democrats have no racists within their ranks, but I digress.
In my opinion, this advice seeker has deep-seated prejudices even if never vocalized. He is seriously damaged beyond repair and even if he were to ultimately decide to select an Asian donor, we know what is in his heart. He has confessed before the world his racial preference for children ignoring how his wife may feel or want herself. How does he know that his wife has never experienced racism? Sadly, I know docile bw would actually put up with similar attitudes from their wm. There is no changing a man like this as he will often not even admit to himself that his heart conceals racist tendencies. People will tell you who they are, it is up to you to listen, pay attention and bail out early if need be.
At the opposite end of extreme of white male dbrdom enters Tim. I saw a video some time back of a white man who has been blackwashed. I saw this clip on YouTube from the Maury Povich Show that featured one of those “You ARE (NOT) The Father episodes. It has been years since I watched the show so as I was browsing one day I came upon this video of Tim and Edcota. They are a black woman interracial couple, As I watched a few seconds into the clip. Tim thinks he is a black pimp.
I simply don’t understand why or how any self-respecting, quality man seeking black woman would want a man like Tim. I’m going to assume it is because he has been granted (maybe self-appointed) honorary black man status though I honestly don’t know. Skin color notwithstanding, Tim is a dbrbm. Edcota has zero vetting skills and seems to be surrounded by drama with this man. Anyone with eyes can see that even Maury Povich was embarrassed by Tim and seems to be a loss for words. I think words Maury is looking for uhmm uhmm…. Oh, dbr.
At The End Of The Day
These examples were two opposite extremes of dbrwm so learn to recognize the ones that fall in between not profiled here. They are all around us. Some white men are more subtle and some are more blatant in their dbrism. Nothing will ever take the place of good vetting so set your sights on quality and you will get him regardless of his race. Dbr is dbr is dbr.
Cross posted on Beyond Black and White.com
DBR = Damaged Beyond Repair, a term first used by Evia Moore, Matriarch of the original Black Women Empowerment/ Black Women in Interracial Relationships movement. Evia is also the founder and creative director of Black Female Interracial Marriage, a staunch supporter of marriage for black women. DBR is used in the context of relationships specifically toward black women, but it can be applied to all races and both genders.